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In the house I just rented. Looking at the four walls, empty and quiet place, I couldn’t help but suddenly feel extremely… lonely… so quiet, so unhappy. I couldn’t believe this is actually happening to me. Just a few minutes ago, I was extremely excited in getting to the new place, clean it and get it ready; but all that feeling is so gone now, leaving me so lonely… so lost.

I asked myself: “Isn’t this what I wanted all the while? I wanted peace, silence and a place where no one will fight with me for the kitchen and other stuff…”

I don’t know why, and couldn’t work out why, but whatever I’m feeling now, is totally contradicting what I am feeling all these time…

This feeling… is actually very familiar…….. Yes… It’s the same kind of feeling when I just reached Brisbane and lived alone. So lonely, so empty, so wanna go home. I mean MY HOME. I really hate this feeling very much, it causes me to feel very extreme, on the negative side. Very unhappy but doesn’t know how to solve it at all. And when I don’t know how to solve it, I feel helpless as well.

Maybe it’s because of the noise of my current landlord’s family makes all day long, makes me feel the presence of people. Maybe it’s because friends have mostly left Australia for home, and this left me with almost no one to talk to. There can me many ‘maybe’s, but I just couldn’t work out which is the main culprit, which one… is torturing me.

Why do people always contradict themselves? Why humans always wants something, but more often than not, getting it makes them want to turn back to something else? It’s not only me, I’ve seen so many people feeling the same, but on the different matter.

I feel extremely unhappy now… I want to go home…

What should I do? I’m lost… AGAIN.

I’ll be moving house.

Yea, after weeks of house hunting, I’ll finally be landed in a cosy little house. Although it’s just the ground floor of the house.

My rent for the current place I’m staying, including the deposit, will officially be fully used up next week and my contract for the new place will start next week. The freaking house owner wanted me to pay the entire 6 months of rent in advance. What the hell? I’m gonna be so broke…

I still got about 5 weeks more before I can return to Malaysia. And if I’m moving house next week, then means I’ll be left stranded with no Internet to use for 4-freakin-weeks!

Ok, face the fact that I can’t apply the internet now else I’ll be paying 2 months for the internet and not using it.

Now that’s really bad…

In the blink of an eye, it has been a month since I came here.

I figured that it’s time for me to report myself to everyone who’s curious of how I am doing here. Since I’ve not written anything about my basic life and lifestyle before, I guess I’ll start from the very beginning.

When I first arrived here, I stayed at a backpackers hotel called “Somewhere to Stay”. Yes, I know the name is a little weird, I had trouble telling people where I’m staying! I booked a twin share room at “Somewhere to Stay” and due to the fact that this is my first time staying in a backpackers hotel, I got the shock of my life.

Yes, that is the room, and that’s the size, ONLY THAT SIZE.

Look at that space between the beds, even someone my size have problem crossing. I took this picture right at the corner of the room, so, what you see is what you get.

Looking for a nice comfy accommodation in Brisbane is not easy, but if you’re not choosy like me, it should be no problem at all. When looking for accommodation, price and comfortability has been my utmost priority, which is why it took me a couple of days. Thanks much to Sue’s help, I found myself a nice comfy and reasonably priced room (At $115/week).

This is my room.

This is the house. Looks nice outside eh? And no, those are not my cars.

It may not look like from outside, but the house is actually very big inside. Inside this house, lives the landlord (Mr.Go), his wife, his 5 children and another room tenant. So that gives you a total of 9 people including me. Still spacious? Yes! My landlord, is a Cambodian Chinese (hope I didn’t misinterpret him) and have been living here for a very long time. His children were all born here, which include 3 sons and 2 daughters. They always converse in Teo Chiew so I often don’t know what are they talking about. As for the other tenant, I heard it from the landlord that he’s a Chinese from China, cooks well and is working a part-time job, I know nothing else. To be frank, I’ve only seen him in person twice for this entire month, he always goes out early and return really late at night.

Since being here, I started cooking my own meals, and by cooking I DON’T MEAN INSTANT NOODLES. Yes, you read it right, I actually cook PROPER MEALS. Why is it so hard to convince people that I actually cook huh? Do I really look like I can’t cook? Here are some of my meals:

Fried ginger chicken, vege and rice. (They’re not fake)

Black Pepper Pork Chop Rice with Vege. (No I did not buy it from outside.)

And this is my lunch box which I bring to Uni.

For my first month of going to QUT, life has been generally well. Although I’m still not very used to it.

QUT

University life here is extremely different from what it is back in Malaysia. We have very few classes here, (I only need to attend Uni trice a week) but I still think I’ve learnt more in 1 month than I have done back in Malaysia for 1 semester. Lecturers here expect students to go back and study on themselves and in the next class, we’re already in a whole new topic. This often makes me no being able to make head or tail of what is being taught at the beginning of the class but is still able to catch up as long as long pay enough attention to it.

In order to make my life here in the following years better, I’ve decided to start off my second month with a wish.

I wish that ** ******* *** **** *** **** **** ** ** **** ** ********. And I’m not tell you what it is!

It’s been almost 4 weeks now that I have been here to Australia,
and I still keep cursing myself for bringing me to this hell of a situation.

When I first arrived, I thought it was because I’m in an all new environment, I couldn’t get used to it, so I’m unhappy. I thought it’s because everyone else here speaks English better than me, so I feel inferior. I thought it’s because I’m different from everyone else, everyone’s white, I’m yellow, so I feel different. I thought it’s because I got no friends around, and it would be difficult for me to make friends, so I feel alone. I thought it’s because I have to do everything myself, and feel that I can’t. Then I thought it was because of the education standard, I’m afraid I can’t catch up.

In the end, I found out it’s none of the above. All that I can feel now at this very moment, is that I want to throw away everything, everything that I have achieved up till now, in exchange for some care. Every night, I couldn’t sleep, I often had to roll around on bed for at least 3 to 4 hours before I can actually fall asleep, and when I actually do fall asleep, I often dream of the things I hope would happen, and I actually prayed to god not to let me wake up.

I hate the morning, and I hate the night. They’re both cold, quiet and lonely. It’s because I can’t fall asleep in the night, and I hope I will never wake up in the morning. So I hate them.

I understand that everyone has to go through some problems in whatever they do, and I do understand that does not exclude me. I’m upset, I’m unhappy, I’m facing loads of problems, but I couldn’t tell anyone. Who would listen to me? The person that I want to tell most, would say that I’m thrusting my burden to her, and would say that she has a lot of problems as well. That’s ok, so I don’t tell my problems, instead, I just talk to her so I could at least lessen my mental burden because as long as I can get some words from her, I’ll be satisfied enough. However in the end, she is starting to feel I’m being irritating. I don’t know what to do anymore. So I try to talk to other people. But when I try telling other people, nobody understands me. Nobody knows why I would be like this, instead started questioning me if it is a problem coming from myself.

My world is currently so dark, so dark that I couldn’t see a thing. I’m so lost in my own world. I don’t know where I’m going, and whether the path I’m taking would ever lead me to sunlight. I couldn’t see even the slightest trace of photon.

I know that, after I post this, I would most probably get some msn messages, emails or maybe (but most improbably) a comment on this blog saying words of encouragement. But, to be honest, these would most probably be words that I have either heard from other people, or even I myself could say it. It’s really easy just typing it out, but it just takes too much to be able to be what is said.

I received a call from her last night, it started off well in the beginning but when I asked her to tell me about her gathering night, she started to get all tensed. She said they were only chatting, but when I said is she sure that they only chatted, she started making it a big fuss by saying who I heard things from, and when I said nobody, she hanged up the call. She wouldn’t answer my call, reply my msgs or call back. Why is she so tensed when I asked? Is she hiding something from me? She wouldn’t tell me, and in my current situation, if she doesn’t tell me, I would never find out. Now I’m left half way hanging, but why couldn’t she just honestly let me know what is happening?

Time flies.

From 13th, changed to 18th, then changed to 21st. Yes, I’ll be leaving Malaysia on the 21st.

Having lived here, in Malaysia, for the past 21 years of my life, it really is kinda difficult to believe that this time I have to leave for real, leaving behind all the people that I loved, the personal space I built and the Malaysian environment.

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who had made an effort to meet up with me before my leave. I really do appreciate everything that you all have done. Oh! and also thank you very much to those who have gave me presents too!

Knowing that I’m not gonna be around anymore, many things have kept me worried, things that normally are solved by me. The first thing that worries me most, is my girlfriend.

It has been almost two years now since my appearance in her life, since then onwards, I’ve been trying my best to ease her burden here in KL, be it financially or work or anything else. Most of you here might not really understand, but for someone who came from a little town, to the busiest city of Malaysia, life is difficult. They’re not used to the stressful, pushy environment where everybody everywhere always seems to be in a rush. Everything here is also much more expensive, when compared to the little town up north, so whatever they earn there, will not be enough to support them here, which is why I have been supporting her all along, unconditionally. Despite all the preparations I’ve done for her for this day, I still always wonder if she would do well without me around helping her anymore. But since she have now graduated and is working as a staff nurse already, I guess I have less to worry about.

Secondly, I’m worried of the family. My brother still can’t drive, who’s gonna fetch my sister after school from now on whenever mom is not free? Who’s gonna deal with technical problems in the house? And my mom still don’t know how to pump her car tyres! Now without my father and me around, who’s gonna help them in all these trouble? I’m just so worried of them.

Thirdly, I’m worried of my friends from APIIT. Hey guys/girls, it’s final year already! You all should really put in more effort to what you’re learning this time or else you would not be able to complete your final year project! I’m not trying to step on you here but both you all and I know what our levels are right? If you all still don’t try harder and improve yourselves, you’re not going anywhere even if you get to graduate somehow!

Although there were so many things that I wish I could do, I have no choice but to head to the path that I have chosen.
Wish everyone who’ll be pursuing their education locally good luck and do not disappoint me!