(I’ve been thinking of posting this for a very long time but the time wasn’t right and I was worried of misunderstandings.)
It’s been a while since the very fateful day, *counting*, a few months more than a year already. Time flies, so fast.
Sometimes, when the night is silent, and I’m lying on my bed trying to sleep, many things cross my mind. Most of the time, such a situation would make me think of the past, things that I regret, things that I hate about myself. Although there are hundreds of things that make me wanna go in deep thought all the time, there are only a handful of matters I am actually sure of. She made a correct decision on that day.
Even today, I can still recall clearly of how everything happened, the place, and the weather. It’s a sunny morning, outside her house, I waited for about 5 hours straight. Being forced by the unreasonable me, she came out to me, asking me to leave and I refused to. Trying hard to hide her feelings, she requested to break up, I remained silent. Suddenly, the sky started to rain, feeling just like it’s her heart, tears are falling. I got an umbrella from the car to shelter us both. Trying to act cool & calm (although I’m not inside), I tried to convince her to take it back, but she did not. Finally, I requested her to think through it again, and I left, hoping she would change her mind. Which she never did. And the following day ended up as the final day for me acting as her boyfriend, until midnight, when the clock strikes 12am. Honestly, I was very thankful of that night where we traveled around KL spending the final moments together, happily. I thought to myself, that, at the very least, this relationship ended beautifully, although it was a sorrowful process. I wonder if she would agree with me. On that very night, after sending her right to her gates, I hoped, so badly, that I could actually stop time from continuing, my inability to do so, made me wanna cry, wanna cry very loudly. Every thought about the beautiful final night, together with the worst good-bye I’ve ever made in my life, makes me smile in tears. But I was really thankful.
From the very first day we got together, she had already chose the wrong person, a very wrong step. It became the very beginning, of a waiting-to-be-ruined-relationship. Sometimes, it makes me feel really curious and I really wanna know, what kind of a person I am in her eyes today, after all the sorrow that I had given her, after I have completely ruined her first relationship, as her first love. It is not surprising if she hates me now, because it is exactly what a normal person would do, even for the most forgiving people.
Whenever I look back, trying to draw an image of the memories I had back in those days, I see myself, shouting, scolding and teasing her like as if she’s my enemy rather than my girlfriend. For an instant, I feel like beating up the person in the image, because, he isn’t worth the tears of the girl in the same image I see. Day after day, promise after promise that I’ve made to her, saying that I would change, I would not shout at her again, never came true. It wasn’t her fault that she is leaving, it’s me that she have no reason to stay.
I admit, there was a moment of time where I tried to blame the person who’ve been there for her all the time. But I never had ill feelings of him. I know, he gave her shelter, care and would not hurt her in any way. Whatever that I told him, accused him of during that time wasn’t true, and it wasn’t what I really think. I was only giving myself an excuse, an excuse I could accept. So that maybe I would feel better myself, I was out of my mind. I think most people thought that I became unfriendly with him for a period of time because I hate him, but that is not true, I NEVER HATED HIM. The early reason for that is because I blame him, but later on, I was just embarrassed and doesn’t know how to face him.
Although I really know nothing about him and her at all, I believe that they’re having a wonderful relationship, seeing that it has been on for so long. Maybe they’re just meant for each other, and I’m just a random person in the story who is only meant to make them meet. But it has been great, to be part of such a wonderful story.
